I got married on 20th April 2013 - Siraman, Midodareni and Akad (2)

Siraman 19th April 2013 Before Siraman - in my bedroom. Siraman is Javanesse tradition means ‘shower’ where the bride-to-be (or groom-to-be) showered with flowered water. The event symbolize cleansing of the heart, soul and mind before the marriage ceremony. Preceeded with ‘sungkeman’ or requesting forgiveness to the parents (or elders), they take in turn in showering the bride-to-be. I felt beautiful draped with a jasmine-woven wrap and prayer-led pouring by my loved ones. I felt the luckiest looking at my dearest Tati (grandmother)’s tearful smile as she savored each moment, pausing to catch my eyes, channeling love through her hand to my heart. My Tati and my long-time nanny, Mbak Uni My parents happily selling 'dawet' and the symbolic last spoon-feed After siraman, the tradition is for the parents to sell 'dawet' (comprise of cendol, which refers to the green jelly-like part of the beverage, with the combination of palm sugar and coconut milk). Look how happy they were! Afterward, signifying my symbolic departure from the nurturing haven of my parents, is the spoon-feeding ritual. Midodareni Midodareni roots from the Javanesse word ‘widodari’ means angel. The event must be held between 6 PM to 12 PM where the bride-to-be must not sleep as it is believed that during these moments that the angels come down and bestowed beauty to the bride-to-be. I opted to make an appointment with them amidst my slumber at 9 PM.  The event was also marked by the coming of the groom-to-be family where both families introduce one another. Traditionally the parents of the groom cannot attend. But our rule of thumb was: it is good to preserves tradition, but good-natured common sense comes first. The thing is about these traditions, most of them positions the bride and groom as non-opinionated objects where dialogues are exchanged between family reps only, or if chances were given, the dialogues were so meaningless (like the parents asking if the bride-to-be is certain to take the groom-to-be). I have two issues with that. First, it came accross as if I was an object who was courted by the male. To me, marriage, was a decision. Not a request. Second, we are two adults who had gone through hills to get here. It was our battle, it was our Everest. Leaving the dialogue to the family reps felt belittling out efforts. So we requested our time to speak. PS: if you noticed, the groom-to-be family are all wearing Minang traditional clothes (Teluk Belanga and Songket), whilst the bride-to-be family in Javanesse's (Beskap and batik cloth). What he said ... “Kepada keluarga besar Ir. H Arifin Sasongko dan Kel besar Dhani yg Dhani hormati dan sayangi...  Dhani ucapkan terima kasih yg amat sangat atas berkenannya utk mengiringi niat dan ikhtiar bersama Dhani dan Anggie utk menikah. Keputusan untuk menikah ini adalah hasil hati, ikhtiar dan pikiran Dhani dan Anggie bersama. Kami diberkahi waktu dan perjalanan ujian yang panjang untuk dapat berada disini. Untuk menjalani sisa hidup kami sebagai suami istri, insya Allah, tujuan kami tersebut sudah mantap.  Dengan segala kerendahan hati dan basmallah, Dhani mohonkan doa restunya.” What she said ...  "Papa dan Mama yg Anggie cintai dan juga kel besar Anggie dan Dhani:  perkenankan Anggie untuk menyatakan bahwa yg dikatakan Dhani benar adanya. Kami berbagi dunia sejak remaja, namun dipertemukan baru saat kami menempuh studi di tanah Inggris, tepat di saat kami mulai memupuk kedewasaan dan jati diri kami. Anggie sekarang adalah juga hasil Dhani, dan Dhani sekarang adalah juga hasil Anggie. Hanya dengan ijin Allah SWT, serta kebesaran dan kasih sayang keluarga kami berdua,dapat berada disini. Dengan diiringi basmallah dan kerendahan hati, Anggie mohonkan doa restu Papa dan Mama, serta juga keluarga besar.” Akad Nikah  20th April 2013 Guided by the barely audible whispers of istighfar from my father, Dhani and him completed the ijab kabul. Then I became someone else’s wife.  We grew up sharing the same world Yet cross path only when we were ready to discover ourselves in the land of the Angles We became us with never a forever in our minds Yet there have been no other us ever able to replace What is you is me, and what is me is you For us, we learned strength  For us, we learned will For us, we learned patience From us, we learned life Besar and Small, 20th April 2013

I got married on 20th April 2013 - Tagalak and Pengajian (1)

I got married on 20th April 2013.

The journey towards it was drama-packed, emotionally-drained, and physically demanding. Yet it was filled with so many heartwarming moments that I feel it is bordering to a sin if I do not give those moments a chance to become captured memories. 

However, I found blogging an entry with inserting pictures is such a challenge! So I have to divide this entry into parts per events. So here goes:

Like most Indonesian wedding, it comprised series of events, and months of wedding-planning. My favorite part of it is mediating the different values between our families. Yes,I’m joking, of course. It was a merger of value-hugging Minang family (a slither away from primordialism, in my most honest opinion), and hard-core, planning-nazi Javanesse family. Difficult, yes, but we were up for the challenge of honoring each culture and strived to have it reflected throughout the events. It was a sweet merging of the two cultural worlds, and I would never trade it for the world.

Looking back, if it weren't for hearts that surpassed egos, faith that surpassed principle, and strength over what-ifs, our newly bought Mazda's license place of B 204 BHX (stands for the Birmingham, UK, International Airport - we met during our study in the city), would be such a waste of money.

TAGALAK - “Ketek banamo, gadang bagala"
13th April 2013

Tagalak means 'Pemberian Gelar' or bestowing title, a Minang tradition, for a grown up male member of the tribe (signified by his entrance to marraige). The 'gala' (title) are passed from Ninik Mamak (the brother of one's mother) to their nephews. The particular selection of the 'gala' must be based on consensus of existing Mamak(s). It is possible for a grown Minang male to obtain 'gala' from his father's side (this is called the 'Pusako Bako'). What is culturally forbidden is for one to obtain 'gala' from his wife-to-be's tribe. 

Sutan Marajo on the pedestal

The ceremony was interesting where traditionally, the elders of the tribes and the rest of the male gathered around a selection of dishes, bananas, etc and ‘discussed’ what ‘gala’ to be given. Once given, the groom-to-be is inaugurated on his familiarity on being called with the ‘gala’. My husband’s is Sutan Marajo. Traditionally, the inauguration could last for hours where the groom must call out “Yo, Ambo”, or “yes, that would be me’ every time he is called. My husband could only last ten minutes before turning sour.

Sharing the dish

"Yo, Ambo"

Mamak dividing the ultimate dish: Sticky rice with marinated whole chicken and eggs. The tradition was everyone in the room must have a share. It was delicious!

PENGAJIAN 

19th April 2013

Pengajian means ‘citing the holy Qur’an collectively’. Each might have different definition on what the event serves. To me, it is an event where it does not only feeds spirituality, but also a chance to collectively shared our gratitude and humility of fortunes given. The tradition is to have it at the bride-to-be’s house, in which we invited neighbours and family relatives. It is a habit in our family to utilize this opportunity for a dialogue between me and my parents, unveiling heartfelt message to one another. In retrospect, it was bizarre how such intimate moment was shared amongst so many guests (we had around 200 guests coming for the event), but at the moment, the world was only me and my parents. 

Ungkapan kasih kepada Ibunda

Papa mama, ayah ibu, penghuni rumah dan seluruh keluarga dan sahabat yang anggie sayangi:

Perkenankan anggie mengucapkan rasa terima kasih anggie yang teramat sangat, atas kasih, dukungan dan kebaikan hati yang anggie rasakan dan syukuri.

Insya Allah, niat kita semua utk berbagi kebahagiaan dengan kerabat dan rekan, diridhoi oleh Allah SWT.Insya Allah, kebaikan dan kebesaran hati ini dapat Anggie dan Dhani balas semampu kami.

Untuk Papa dan Mama yang sangat Anggie sayangi, perkenankan Anggie mengucapkan beberapa hal.

Betapa Anggie bangga menjadi anak Papa dan Mama.

Selama 31 tahun, Anggie dibesarkan dan diberikan kebahagiaan lahir bathin serta kemudahan utk meraih ilmu.

Papa dan Mama mengajarkan bahwa rezeki adalah titipan,  harus selalu kita sisihkan bagi yang berhak. Papa dan Mama mengajarkan bahwa ilmu dan waktu hidup harus diamalkan dan dibuat semanfaat mungkin. 

Papa dan Mama memberi teladan bagaimana mengasihi dengan tulus dan penuh kekuatan. 

Papa dan Mama mendidik Anggie utk dapat menemukan nilai-nilai Anggie sendiri.

Dengan sabar Papa dan Mama membiarkan Anggie berkembang.

Tak sempurna, banyak kekurangan, namun inilah anandamu.

Untuk menjadi anak kebanggaan Papa dan Mama, adalah motivasi Anggie untuk terus menjadi lebih baik. Insya Allah, Anggie harap terdapat waktu-waktu dalam hidup Anggie dimana hal tersebut tercapai.

Papa dan Mama, insya Allah Anggie akhirnya berani untuk menikah.

Insya Allah siap, insya Allah siap.

Mohon doa restu mengiringi langkah baru ini.

Tantangan baru yang lama menjadi kecemasan bagi Anggie. Namun insya Allah, Anggie menemukan Dhani, ayah, ibu dan keluarga baru yang Anggie yakin memahami dan akan memahami Anggie yang tidak sempurna.

Dengan kekuatan ini, Anggie melangkah menuju tantangan baru: untuk menjadi istri yang dibanggakan suami, anak yg dibanggakan ayah-ibu serta dengan ridho Allah, ibu yang dibanggakan anaknya.

Papa dan Mama, berlimpah yang sudah diberikan bagi Anggie. 

Anggie mohon ampun apabila balasan Anggie tidak seimbang. 

Insya Allah Anggie masih diberi kesempatan untuk menjadi anak yg lebih membanggakan papa-mama.

Dengan ini, Anggie mohon pamit untuk menempuh tantangan baru bersama Dhani. Insya Allah tidak hilang, namun bertambah. Amien, amien. 

Dengan penuh cinta, anandamu Anggie.

Ungkapan kasih kepada Anggie

Dialogue between me and my mother.

Bismillahhirohmanirohim

Assalamu’alaikum Wr.Wb,

Hadirin yang dimuliakan Allah SWT, sudilah kiranya memberikan waktu kepada kami untuk menyampaikan ungkapan kasih sayang kepada Anggie.

Tiada cukup kata yang mampu mengungkapkan rasa syukur kami kehadirat Allah SWT atas segala Rahmat dan KaruniaNYA yang tiada putus tercurah kepada kami berupa; umur, kesehatan, rizki dan yang paling istimewa adalah Dia telah menganugerahkan kau kepada kami, sebagai amanah yang harus kami jaga, pelihara dan didik dengan penuh kasih sayang dan tanggung jawab.

Kini tiba waktunya kami akan melepasmu untuk membentuk keluarga sendiri bersama pria pilihan hatimu; Muhammad Nur Ramadhani atau Dhani. In syaa Allah semoga tiada aral melintang esok; Sabtu, 21 April 2013 akan terpenuhi niatmu untuk meresmikan hubungan kalian sesuai syariat Islam.

Mbak Anggie yang kami sayangi,

Pernikahan dalam Islam bukanlah sekedar memenuhi kebutuhan naluri insan semata, tetapi ia mempunyai nilai-nilai yang suci dan sakral sebagai ibadah dan pengabdian kepada Allah SWT, disamping memenuhi Sunnah Rasul Nabi Muhammad SAW.

Berumah tangga bak mengarungi samudra luas yang tiada bertepi. Karang nan tajam mungkin menghadang, penuh ujian dan cobaan. Sudah banyak nasehat yang kami berikan serta contoh yang kami perlihatkan dalam berumah tangga.  Dahulukan kewajiban daripada hak. Jika kewajiban telah kau tunaikan dengan penuh tanggung jawab, in syaa Allah hak akan kau dapatkan tanpa perlu menuntut.

Jadilah istri yang setia, berakhlak mulia, jujur, sabar, dewasa, selalu menjaga kehormatan diri dan suami, serta tetap tegar menghadapai segala tantangan hidup. Terimalah suamimu dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangannya, in syaa Allah kebahagiaan yang hakiki akan kau peroleh, menciptakan satu rumah tangga yang Sakinah, Mawaddah, Warohmah.

Mbak Anggie sayang,

Pada kesempatan ini Mama dan Papa ingin mengucapkan terima kasih dari lubuk hati yang paling dalam karena kau telah berusaha menjadi si sulung yang bertanggung jawab, berprestasi, dan membanggakan keluarga.

Layaknya manusia biasa, kamipun tak luput dari kesalahan dan kekhilafan selama mendidikmu. Namun yakinlah bahwa semua itu kami lakukan atas dasar cinta. Hendaknya kau berlapang dada, berbaik sangka, ikhlas dan ridho untuk memaafkan Mama dan Papa serta mengambil hikmah dari padanya. Semoga kesediaanmu memaafkan kami akan menjadi wasilah ringannya hisab kami manakala menghadap kehadirat Illahi Rabbi nanti.

Kamipun telah memaafkan segala kekeliruan dan kekhilafanmu. Semoga dengan ridho kami maka ridho pula Allah SWT terhadap dirimu dengan melimpahkan segala rahmat karuniaNYA, aamiin.

Sebagai wujud keridhoan dan keikhlasan kami melepasmu mengarungi mahligai rumah tangga, pada hari ini Mama dan Papa bersama kerabat, sanak saudara dan para pini sepuh  berdzikir dengan melantunkan kalimat-kalimat thoyyibah seraya memanjatkan do’a kehadirat Allah SWT agar seluruh rangkaian upacara pernikahanmu dan Dhani berjalan dengan lancar tiada halangan suatu apapun. Semoga rumah tangga kalian kelak langgeng dan lestari, selanggeng rumah tangga Adam dan Hawa, sepenuh cinta kasih rumah tangga Nabi Yusuf dan Zulaikha, seberkah rumah tangga Nabi Muhammad SAW.

Amiin Ya Robbal’Aalamiin.Wabillahi Taufik Wal Hidayah

          Wassalamualaikum Wr .Wb. Mama-Papa

I see

Someone kicked the ball really far up to the end of the court.

It flew across the green court, passed the white line, and to where the goalie usually squats, anticipating a shot.

What to do?

Someone scrappy would have chased up the ball. Wait. I think I’m scrappy. I’ve been told that I am.  But I don’t feel like running, not even walking, towards the ball. I just watched. 

Then I sat. I sat down and watched until there is no movement reasonable enough to be watched.

What to do?

Do I gather my energy and chase up the ball again, or do I lay myself on the grass and look up the blue sky. Have my own picnic. Until someone come over and hand me another ball. “Hello. I don’t feel like playing yet. But this is nice.” I said, smiling.

“Why don’t you want to chase the ball again? I thought you wanted to be a football player? “ Someone asked.

“I do, but it feels so tiring to chase the ball around, maybe I’m no good at it.”

“Maybe you’re playing at the wrong league.”

“But the league wanted me. “

“They don’t always know if what they want is right. You see how the big football club buys this great players by millions and millions dollar of contract-worth, but it turns out to be a wrong investment.”

“Is the player not good enough? “

“No, they’re good. But not with this formation and team member.”

“I see. “ Then silenced. I enjoyed that particular silence.  It provides canvass for my swirl of thoughts to form. Maybe I don’t belong in this league. That must have been why it is so tiring and so difficult. Although the difficulty is what makes the victory so sweet, but it must feel so difficult because I’m in the wrong place.  It is what it is, not an excuse.

Wait. Is this an excuse? How do you tell the difference between pushing your limit and know when it’s not your game? How do you know that you know?

I turned and looked at the person next to me. “I’m tired. Is that wrong? Shouldn’t I be pushing myself up and get the ball again. I have to play. They expect me to play. I can’t just sit. They say it’s … irresponsible. “

“Well, some would also add that you’re being ungrateful for not recognizing your blessings to be given a responsibility. Some people wander around aimlessly, trying to find a purpose. A league that they can belong to.  You have one. A good one… and here you are sitting, feeling tired. “

“So I’m being like this is wrong? Is that it?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re making me confused. “

A laughter. A kind one. “You just don’t know.”

“Do you know? Will you tell me?”

“Who actually knows?”

  .............

“Ah.” I nodded. “I see.”

                                                                         * * * * *

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy and the Good People's Prayers

It was during a car ride home, late at night on a weekday, when I first heard the comment. First car in front of a red light, my friend invited my driving friend to view the traffic lights as a colorful street ornament. This ignited a small banter as my driving friend refused the proposition. In the end, the traffic light served its purpose as we drove only after it turned green.

The comment was my driving friend’s closing argument (which effectively ended the banter, by the way):

        “Yang bener disalahin, yang salah dibenerin … Indonesia banget. “

         (“The right thing is wronged, and the wrong thing is righted. That is very Indonesia.”)

Like a search engine, my memory traveled and collected glimpse of similar scene when somebody complain on a negative attitude then associate it with being Indonesian. I was not in the car anymore. I was in the cinema, at a table in a restaurant, in a meeting with government agency, all at the same time, replaying past scenes.

        “Indonesia banget deh, ga bisa ngantri. “

        “ih orang Indonesia tuh ya, jelek banget etos kerjanya.”

        “Dasar, mental orang Indonesia banget deh, “

         … And the list goes.

The comments of course, are not without bases. We are witnessing these scenes of disrespect towards order and fondness towards exception over rules everyday. When you drive to work and a motorcycle cuts you in right before your turn. When you walk past the security post without letting your bags checked. When you queue up a centre line in the ladies’ restroom and a lady pass you by and enter the just vacant loo. When you see someone litters.

Few days later, as I brushed through my old textbook of Sociology: Day to Day Life, I stumbled into this term from Robert Merton (an American sociologist), called ‘self-fulfilling prophecy”.  Its definition was: “a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the originally false conception come true” (Merton 1968: 477).

The concept is very simple. You view A as bad. You continuously treat A as bad. People around you who see you treat A as bad, begin to see A as bad. Then A is bad, soon becomes the truth.

This thinking method seems familiar, and my mind populated The Secret, the Law of Attraction, and Quantum Ikhlas. So far, the theories make sense. Apparently, they make so much sense that many people seems to treat these perspective as revelations. I continued to read and found that some Japanese researchers found that these prophecies stimulate ‘nocebo’ effects. So when placebo effect manipulates one to think that they are getting better, ‘nocebo’ is as powerful as deteriorating one’s health.

The comments. Theories. Research. I see the link, but they still feel rather distant. Just another cognitive knowledge. 

This notion grew into a belief though, when a sharing from a very dear person of mine came to mind. He said, being told that he was a chubby kid made him feel compelled to eat as much as he thought a chubby kid would eat. Soon, he developed a rather intimate relationship with gourmet food and the world welcomed another member to Chubby 'R' Us. (This is not a sad story for he did a good job growing up). 

But now every time I hear a negative comment associated with us, being Indonesian, I hear an ‘amen’ to a bad prayer.  And I worry for I believe a prayer from a good person is often heard.

And there are just so many of them. 

                                                                                                                                                                    1 October 2001, 1.20 AM

A glimpse of Bhutan's gold pots

December 2007, I went on this short course to New Delhi, India for a Indian Embassy-funded Training Course on Sub-national Governance for two weeks. 

My fellow co-participants are not many, only ten people from Bhutan, India, Philippine, and Sri Lanka. They are all in above thirty, all married and have children. Most of them are coming from Local Government department, as this training is originally intended for civil servants, and have years of experience in executing decentralization. Being the youngest (I was only 25 years old at that time),  I was the one who had to write down the group assignments, and basically become the guinea pig of every activity. Not that I mind, though. 

Of all the fellow participants, I became particularly close with this fellow from Bhutan, Mr. Shey. From our conversations, it was obvious that the serenity of living in Bhutan had nurtured him to adhere to such value. It is a quiet place, literally and figuratively speaking. Culture is preserve and modernization is cautiously embraced. Building can not be higher than five floors because the temples should still be the tallest. Every building also has to have a hat-roof to deter from further construction. There are even no traffic lights, only policemen holding up signs of green and red to car directions. When I asked why, Mr. Shey asked me back why did I think they need it. The cars are few and the sign holders brings employment. This trivial fact was particularly made fun of by the  Sri Lankan. Wise and collected as Karate Kid's Mr. Miyagi, Mr. Shey had remained silent amidst the mocking.  "We might not have traffic lights, but we surely can carry a tune. "he said to me quietly whilst the two Sri Lankans performing song during our cultural night. It was two days after the traffic light sneers were made. I laughed so hard and realized that Mr. Shey had the last laugh indeed! What I find admirable was that the comment was only shared with me. He had no intention to return the public ridicule that he earlier received. 

The incident says a lot about Mr. Shey's character. Growing up, he had to carry buckle of water on his shoulder everyday for 20 km which teach him to be humble and appreciate luxury more than people who are accustomed to supporting system (*knock knock to Jakarta's middle to upper class). Living a life resemblance to how the monks are living, he is able to understand the real state of peace. These bound and solid composite of values were further reflected in one of his thoughts which he conveyed to  me: 

"A loving person is someone who able to say hatred is driven out by love it self. Therefore, the only way to handle anger is with compassion and the only way to handle fear is with courage. “

Few years later, as in now, I had somewhat forgotten these values, which I view as the 'gold pots' in life. The wealth we need in order to build an honest relationship with life itself. A respectful relationship to the physical realm we live in (earth, country, city, neighborhood). A mindful relationship with love and hate entailed in our social interactions. 

However, one memory on Mr. Shey that still hovers is his humility upon making plan. Every time we part after the class ended, and when we parted in our last day of workshop,  he said:  "I'll see you again, Anggie. If luck permits. " 

                                                                                                      September 8, 2011, 23.25 PM