I see

Someone kicked the ball really far up to the end of the court.

It flew across the green court, passed the white line, and to where the goalie usually squats, anticipating a shot.

What to do?

Someone scrappy would have chased up the ball. Wait. I think I’m scrappy. I’ve been told that I am.  But I don’t feel like running, not even walking, towards the ball. I just watched. 

Then I sat. I sat down and watched until there is no movement reasonable enough to be watched.

What to do?

Do I gather my energy and chase up the ball again, or do I lay myself on the grass and look up the blue sky. Have my own picnic. Until someone come over and hand me another ball. “Hello. I don’t feel like playing yet. But this is nice.” I said, smiling.

“Why don’t you want to chase the ball again? I thought you wanted to be a football player? “ Someone asked.

“I do, but it feels so tiring to chase the ball around, maybe I’m no good at it.”

“Maybe you’re playing at the wrong league.”

“But the league wanted me. “

“They don’t always know if what they want is right. You see how the big football club buys this great players by millions and millions dollar of contract-worth, but it turns out to be a wrong investment.”

“Is the player not good enough? “

“No, they’re good. But not with this formation and team member.”

“I see. “ Then silenced. I enjoyed that particular silence.  It provides canvass for my swirl of thoughts to form. Maybe I don’t belong in this league. That must have been why it is so tiring and so difficult. Although the difficulty is what makes the victory so sweet, but it must feel so difficult because I’m in the wrong place.  It is what it is, not an excuse.

Wait. Is this an excuse? How do you tell the difference between pushing your limit and know when it’s not your game? How do you know that you know?

I turned and looked at the person next to me. “I’m tired. Is that wrong? Shouldn’t I be pushing myself up and get the ball again. I have to play. They expect me to play. I can’t just sit. They say it’s … irresponsible. “

“Well, some would also add that you’re being ungrateful for not recognizing your blessings to be given a responsibility. Some people wander around aimlessly, trying to find a purpose. A league that they can belong to.  You have one. A good one… and here you are sitting, feeling tired. “

“So I’m being like this is wrong? Is that it?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re making me confused. “

A laughter. A kind one. “You just don’t know.”

“Do you know? Will you tell me?”

“Who actually knows?”

  .............

“Ah.” I nodded. “I see.”

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